Free Short Jokes App
- Did I ever tell you that I was a teacher's "pet'?.....After school. she take me home.. And made me wear a collar and leash...
- I've reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there'll be some new developments I won't like. (ugly one liner)
- Q: How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three, one to screw it in and the other two to listen to him brag about screwing something.
- Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.
- There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
- Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and ships
- I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. (ugly one liner)
- Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.
- Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
- Q: Why did the insomniac man get arrested?
A: He resisted a rest
- It's been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!
- Q: What building is the largest?
A: The library because it has the most stories.
- Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
- Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. (ugly one liner)
- Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!
- "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
- Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeee.
- Q: Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie?
A: Because it was rated "rrrrr"
- Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
- Q: What concert costs 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
- Hotel Manager: The room is $15.00 a night. But if you make your own bed, it is only $5.00.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Hotel Manager: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
- Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
- Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
- Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
- Q: Why are the Iron Chefs chefs so mean?
A: Because they beat eggs and whip cream.
- Q: What kind of button won't unbutton?
A: A bellybutton!
- You're so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school she got a fine for littering. (ugly one liner)
- Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
A: Nobody nose.
- Q: Can February March?
A: No. But April May.
- Q: What kind of button won't unbutton?
A: A bellybutton!
- Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night. "My grandfather lived to be 96."
"Ninety-six? What finally got him???"
"Liquor and women."
"Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the one guy, "both will get you in the end."
"Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died."
- Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
- Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
- Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
- Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
- Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
- Q: What bow can't be tied?
- Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
- Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
A: Cause they arrrrr.
- Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: Because she couldn't control her pupils?
- A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!
- Two Blondes Doing Carpentry Work...
Lynn and Chelsea were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.
Lynn was nailing down house siding. She would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it.
Chelsea, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, so I throw them away.'
Chelsea got completely upset and yelled,
'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house !
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed For The Winter.'
- You should need a license to be that ugly. (ugly one liner)
- A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
- A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
- Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Get out! We don't want your type in here"
- A seal walks into a club...
- Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta (Imposter)
- A bus load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
- Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people would have a chance to have sex. (ugly one liner)
- Beauty is only skin deep ...but ugly goes all the way to the bone! (ugly one liner)
- I was walking down the street with my wife when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.
"That's not true" I texted her back from across the street!
- A three legged dog walks in the bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the guy who shot my paw"
- There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
- Q: Did you hear about the calendar thief?
A: He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
- Q: Why did the blonde bring lipstick and eye shadow to school?
A: She got ready for a make-up exam!
- Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
- Q: How do spiders communicate?
A: Through the World Wide Web.
- Q: What did the man say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
- Silence is golden, Duct tape is silver
- A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
- Q: Why can a bicycle not stand on its own?
A: Because its two-tired
- Did something bad happen to you or are you just naturally ugly. (ugly one liner)
- Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
- Guy goes to the doctor, doctor walks in looking over the guys chart, glances up and says, "Look, I don't know how to tell you this, but you've got to stop masturbating."
Guy, shocked, says, "What?!! Why?"
Doctor says, "So I can examine you.”
- A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job. The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.
As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.
"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?" "I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long'." Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title. Do you have another?"
The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing. "You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you call that one?" "Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler'."
The bartender held his tongue -- the guy was certainly good, despite the outrageous song titles. Then, the piano man rose, excused himself, and shuffled off to use the restroom.
While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said, "Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours."
Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered, "Sir, do you know your private part is hanging out for all the world to see?" "Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I wrote it!"
- Two rednecks were standing on the opposite sides of a river.
One yelled to the other . . . "How do you get to the other side?"
The second one yelled back . . ."What for, you're already there"
- Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep. (ugly one liner)
- A husband is a person who is under the impression he bosses the house — when in reality, he only houses the boss.
- Generation Gap:
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
- You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera. (ugly one liner)
Inflation Short Joke
Six Pack Short Joke
What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.
The above jokes were originally found on
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